Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
