I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
