Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
