She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
