cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
you never un-have a 4some
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
