No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
