I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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