Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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