I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
