my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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