If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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