so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
