i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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