when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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