My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
