Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
