He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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