Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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