3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
