I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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