Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
