Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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