Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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