I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
