Capitaan dildo arrescate!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
