I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
