We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
