I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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