a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Green mimosas i think yes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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