You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
