im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
