Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just threw up on my dentist
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
