She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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