She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
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Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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