watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
