He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
