Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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