tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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