Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think my moral compass just broke
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
