Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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