just come out here and I will go home with you...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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