I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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