coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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