I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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