I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
