Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I did not marry a roomba.
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