24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We have started to decorate penises.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
