Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
