he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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