i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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