I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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