Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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