last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
