if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
