Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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