I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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